TIPS FROM THE HIP

COFFEE DIARY...(REMIXED CAFFEINE VERSION)


# OF CUPS
MENTAL PROFILE
1
3
4
6
8
11
15
23


Decide to put off suicide until next day, go to bathroom instead.
Feel enthusiastic about everything, begin to annoy friends.
Boss called no longer a need a wake up.
Begin pacing, desire more coffee.
First symptoms of dementia appear, go back to bathroom.
Can't sit still. Friends openly hostile.
Peace. Happiness. Enlightenment. Friends are suspicious.
Locked in bathroom by friends. Hallucinations of man
with donkey. Vow to switch to decaf.

Caffeine (dfn) - Vegetable alkaloid stimulant found in coffee and tea plants.

DECAF DIARY


# OF CUPS
MENTAL PROFILE
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8

No Discernable Effects.
This Stuff Is Worse Than I Thought.
Very Sleepy - Go Back To Bed
Boss Called - No Longer A Need A Wake Up
How Does Ophra Drink This Stuff
Appears To Taste Better Now That It Is Burnt And 7 Hours Old
Seeing Double And Having Nasty Visions
Struggle Through The Last Cup, It's Now Noon And Time For A Beer

** ROAD PHYSICS FOR THE TRAVEL-CHALLENGED **


1. Smelly Airplane Rule Length of flight is directly proportional to amount of body odour of person sitting next to you.
2. Screaming Baby Proximity Rule An inverse relationship: as fatigue increases, distance between you and bawling infant decreases.
3. Welcome To Canada Rule The longer your trip abroad, the longer the line-up at customs. Also known as the "land as many 747's as you can" rule.
4. Geographical Coincidence Rule (a) - Bloomington, Indiana IS NOT Bloomington, Minnesota
5. Supply and Demand Rule Need for vital electronic component (purchase or repair) coincides with Sunday night gig in remote backwater.
6. Geographical Coincidence Rule (b) You are in Sacramento, California. Your baggage is in Sydney, Australia.
7. Never Take It On The Road If You Can't Afford To Lose It Rule Self-explanatory. Exemptions offered for passports and eyeglasses.

** TRAVEL TIPS FROM THOSE WHO KNOW... **


Here are a few things we have learned over the years that might make your travels more pleasant...

1. When in Europe remember that there is no such thing as Supereurodiesel and do not, I repeat, do not put unleaded gas into a diesel van. Especially don't do this at 5:00 AM at the Dutch/Belgian frontier.
2. Find the flusher. European bathrooms are strange but, don't panic it's in there somewhere.
3. Don't drink the coffee at the Little Big Horn truck stop in Montana. Trust us on this one.
4. If the front desk clerk at your hotel is behind bullet-proof plexiglas, find another hotel.
5. Swiss border guards carry machine guns and seem well versed in their use. Also their guard dogs can drive cars and are quick to take offence.
6. If you get on a ferry with 200 drunken Danish soccer fans, well... you asked for it.
7. The road from Washington to Pittsburgh does not go through Philadelphia.
8. At Heathrow Airport, the shortest distance between two points is not a straight line. There is no shortest distance between two points at Heathrow.
9. There is a direct correlation between fatigue and proximity of screaming infants on overseas flights: the more exhausted you are, the closer the screaming infant.
10. When you die, if you've been bad you won't go to hell. You go to Heathrow Airport.

SMART DRINKS


** EVERYDAY SMART DRINKS **

Carrot Juice
Beet Juice
Mystery Blender Drink
Wheatgrass Juice
Spring Zinger
Spinach Quench

Great with dinner, lousy with donuts.
Excellent bouquet, full-bodied, fruity tasting with just a hint of dirt.
Add one good orange & assorted rotten fruit
The official health drink of Saint Patrick's Day
Ginger and overwintered veggies from the garden in a tall glass with crushed ice
Popeye approved and tested since 1933

**SMART DRINKS - POST-SEASONAL**

Eggnog - Mark Twain Version

"Too much of anything is bad, but too much whisky is just enough."

** CANADIAN TRAVEL RULES **


2. Across a body of water rule - Your equipment only arrives on the other side when it does, not when it is supposed too.

** LORI'S TRAVEL TIP... **


1. Hampton Beach Casino is not in Hampton, Virginia

** PAUL'S MINNEAPOLIS TRAVEL TIP **


1. The Hubert H. Humphrey Terminal is not the same building as the Main Terminal at the Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport

**TRAVEL TIP FROM AVISHAG REGEV**


1. Twelve-hour ferry rides across the Mediterranean Sea and six shots of Johnny Walker don't mix. At all, trust me.

**HEATHER'S OBSERVATION REGARDING THE GEOGRAPHICAL COINCIDENCE RULE**


1. (a) You are in Los Angeles, California.
(b) The Hip play 90% of their tour dates on the east coast or in Canada.

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